Dance
I was set off this morning by hearing our wedding song for the first time since Lance died. I had on VH1 Soul and the Alicia Keys video came on for “If I Ain’t Got You” and it stopped me in my tracks from the first notes. The last time I heard it was on our first anniversary, Oct. 22, 2005. Lance had been diagnosed the week before. He was still able to stand for short periods back then, so we played the song and sway-danced in the living room. We both cried through the entire dance. I stopped listening to it after then because it was too painful. When I heard it today I tried to recall the dance at the wedding, when the words made us smile and the future looked bright. I prefer to remember that dance.I've been talking to God a lot lately. I don't ‘pray‘, necessarily, but I talk and ask questions. I don't practice a religion, but feel like God and I have an understanding. I try everyday to do the right thing and be considerate and kind. I try to do the right thing even when no one else knows it. I practice but don’t preach. I have a lot of room in my heart for other views on this topic, and have close relationships with a wide swath of people, from believers to atheists. I suppose like many, I fall somewhere in the middle. I think that God is the imagery we attach to things like fate, destiny and chance. I don’t think of a father seated in heaven, I sense this ‘thing’, an intangible aura of power, an all-knowing presence, a connectivity.
I believe God brought Lance into my life for us both to taste real happiness and honest love. But I also believe that God brought Lance into my life to help him die. What other possible reason can there be for the irony. If our destiny is written on a cocktail napkin somewhere before we were born, then it is true that Lance was always meant to die at 51 from amyloidosis, and I was always meant to help him.
I suppose I know why God chose me for this tall order. Amyloidosis is a particularly complex and devastating disease with many fronts, effecting many systems. Facing this disease is not for the faint of heart, so I suppose it’s an acknowledgement from God that I was up for the battle, yet I await that ‘ah-ha’ moment that teaches me how all this will make me more evolved. One of the questions I often ask is, “What the fuck?”
~Lisa
visit Lance Carter’s myspace page:
www.myspace.com/lancecarterdrumz
Labels: God, wedding song
posted by ~Lisa @ 11:51 AM
3 Comments:
What a Cooney retort! You made me laugh Lisa! We should all get shirts made that say "What the F**K!
Sometimes it's not a teaching moment, but a teaching lifetime. Or, perhaps, "what the fuck" is the lesson!
Hang in there.
Lisa,
This is Jessica. I've been away from your blog because my brother, Daniel, passed away not to long ago. He was on the transplant list, waiting desperately for a new heart. He was hospitalized for pneumonia that led to sepsis, which is a severe bacterial infection. Even if a new heart came in time, he wouldn't be eligable for a transplant because he was infected. He slipped into a coma and my family and I let him go. He was my big brother, only 28 yrs old, and his future was just as promsing as yours with Lance. My heart breaks to even write about Dan in the past tense, as I'm sure yours does, Lisa, when you write about your beloved Lance.
I ask the same questions that you are asking all the time. I wonder why, why, why did someone so good have to die so young?! It's frustrating not getting answers. And dammit, no matter how much I try to find solance in the arms of my friends and family, I can't. I want to know where Dan is, and I want to know if he is happy where he is. Maybe he and Lance are jamming together somewhere beyond our reach since Dan was an accomplished pianist. I wish I could offer you comfort but I can't. I can't even offer myself any. I just want you to know that I know what you are going through and I feel your pain.
You asked why it is that God sent Lance into you life...and the reason, I think, is simply for love. Lance needed your love and you needed his. I believe that your love saved him from living a life without joy and passion and unconditional love. I don't know either of you in person but I can sense from your words through this blog the depth of your affection for Lance. You were his angel, in every sense of the word. Whenever you feel down in the dumps, just try to remember that you gave Lance tenderness and calmness and you helped him end this journey in this world with peace. It's the most precious gift a human being can give to another (a part from organ donation).
If you ever need a friend to rant to, you're always welcome to email me at ninejml@yahoo.com. If not, then I'll be checking up on you on this blog. Let's have our "WTF?" moments together k??? *hugs*
Jess ~
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