A New Year

I returned from Florida last week and still have some unpacking to do, but I am glad to be home. Lance's family had a Christmas gathering on 12/30, so I picked up Lance's cousin Brandon in Brooklyn and we head out to Long Island for the day. I love spending time with the "fam" because they always make me feel better and I feel less crazy when I am with them. They loved and miss Lance in the same way that I do, so we laugh and cry together, usually moving between the two with ease. I brought out some of Lance jewelery to give to his sisters and nephews as mementos. Lance did not have a lot of pieces, but there was enough that each received something that was his, instantly making his costume rings and watches invaluable.

I headed into New Year's eve this year ready to brace myself once again for another first. I've always like NYE because I like a good party, but moreso because I am sentimental. The strike of midnight on NYE always makes me reflective and I've shed a tear or two on NYE's past, even before my relationship with Lance, or anyone else for that matter. I get caught up in the iconic moment, 60 seconds of history in motion, the rest of the world aware of that moment too, time zones aside. I often wonder if the world collectively thought about a moment like that in some other context, would it have a quanitfiable response from the cosmos? Can all that human energy be harnessed? Hmm... In any case, Lance and I spent every NYE together for the past seven years. He usually had a gig, most often with his tuxedoed show band called Pulse. Musicians make a lot more money on NYE. It's the one night when they usually double their normal take. It was always good to get that bonus bump of income to start off January, but his year there is no such windfall.

I decided early on that I wanted to go out on NYE. I did not want to be home alone, and I was not really up to a house party which, at my age, are mainly populated by couples and kids. I did not want the strike of 12 to arrive with symapthetic glances my way before the couples smooch and ring in the new year. I thought it best to be out and about, a member of the single public at a club or concert. I felt I needed to be distracted for mainly, ten minutes - the five before and after midnight. I spent the past week looking online for NYE options that would fit the bill and found a couple of choice. But then, I heard that my friend Robin from Orlando was in NYC and as it happened was staying in a hotel right smack in the middle of Times Square. I've never been drawn to that mob scene, epecially since 9/11, but Robin was in a hotel with a good view of the action from the 32nd floor, and the hotel had a big terrace on the 3rd floor that allowed one to hover just above the crowd on the street. Now, I've seen those throngs of people on TV each year and rolled my eyes at the insanity of them choosing to show up at Times Square at 2pm to get a spot near the action, and then standing in that spot for the next 10 hours. But with the hotel option in the mix, I thought this could be just the kind of distraction I was looking for. So, my friends Jen and Jim picked me up and off we went to Manhattan. We drove to Jersey City and parked on the street, then took the PATH train and subway right into the heart of Times Square, arriving around 6pm. We lugged a case of beer, liquor and wine with us, and after emerging from the subway, embarked on a challenging 45 minute quest to get through the blockades and security check points to move into the blocks immediately surrounding the action. There was a massive crowd and massive amounts of police everywhere. Finally we got a hold of Robin who met us at a checkpoint with her hotel key, the only way to avoid waiting on a huge line to go through security was to prove you were a hotel guest. Robin, who has the gift of the gab, sweet talked a cop who let us jump the line (with our liquor) and we were in. Once we got situated upstairs in the hotel, things were much smoother and I enjoyed everyone's company and the conversation. At 11:30 we head downstairs to the terrace and rang in the New Year with a million others. The hotel was packed with international travellers, so it really had a worldly flavor. I never imagined I would be in that iconic spot at that iconic moment, but I admit it was pretty thrilling. Will I do it again, probably not - but now I can check it off the life list of to-do's. Of course, I thought about Lance, as I always do, but I kept it together and let the energy of the crowd hold me up. My friends were great as usual and I felt good about crossing over into 2007 in this way. At about 2am we left the hotel, hit up one Times Square bar for a night cap then head back to the car in Jersey City.

Today is the two month mark since Lance died, and I feel with the mourning and holidays, that I've been in a state of suspended animation for the past 8 weeks. I am really looking forward to getting back to work and picking up the pace. My job really starts to heat up now, and soon I'll be moaning over how busy I am.

I resolve for 2007 to be kind to myself, to continue to trust my instincts and do what feels right, and to keep breathing.

peace,
~Lisa

visit Lance Carter's myspace page at www.myspace.com/lancecarterdrumz