"Don't let your eyes adjust to the dark."

In my sometimes frantic attempts to distract myself from the loss I feel from Lance's passing, I have been getting out and staying out as much as possible. While this helps momentarily, I am finding that I am less and less comfortable in my home and the resulting mess of laundry and housework is beginning to give me a brand new, fresh anxiety to deal with. So this weekend, with the exception of Sunday when I am going to see The Color Purple on Broadway with Lance's family, I will be staying home and taking care of some business. I kept on top of things much better when Lance was here. Being housebound for so long, I had plenty of time to maintain the house, but now it's become more so a place where I end my day and wait for the sleeping pills to kick in.

I joke with my friends that I am living like a bachelor now, but there is a element of truth to that. For example, I've yet to do any grocery shopping since Lance died. It's been over 2 months and my fridge is bare and the pantry inventory is fading. For some reason, the thought of being in the supermarket, walking aisle to aisle makes me sad. I don't want to be shopping just for me, I want to be shopping for us. When Lance was ill and had many dietary restrictions I would go on sojourns to different supermarkets looking for new low sodium items, soft foods, protein additives or energy boosters, and I would spend long periods there reading labels and comparing products. These trips were little escapes for me as well, but I mainly felt it was something I could control while so much of what was happening to us was beyond any one's control. I associate the supermarket with my desperation to fix Lance. So I just don't go. I buy lunch everyday at work and on the weekends, if I am even home, I order in food and will buy a bit extra to have as leftovers through the week. I'll shake this aversion to grocery shopping eventually, but for now I am just trying to cope. I met with the moderator of the bereavement group that I will be attending. The next meeting is on January 23, and I look forward to having the group for support. My friends are awesome and very attentive, but I do not want to become a broken record with them. The group should allow me to have time with other broken records, and maybe help me to move forward with strength and confidence.

I met last night with an old friend of Lance's from high school, Andy Bernstein, also a musician with his New Orleans style roots music band the VooDUDES, who happens to be recovering from the loss of his longtime girlfriend who was tragically lost early last year in an car accident. Although the circumstances are very different, we can relate on how it feels to have your life and the expectations for the future turned on its head. It helps me to talk to others who understand the see-saw that is grief. I've known Andy through other avenues (Teen Arts) long before I ever met Lance, but hadn't seen him myself in probably 10 years before seeing him at Lance's funeral. When I asked him for permission to write about him he said that I could but to not refer to him as a "saint" or anything. So, he's "no saint", but he is a sweetheart and has offered his friendship and guidance to me for which I am grateful. Andy was in bands with Lance in high school and they were running buddies. They hadn't seen one another for a while before Lance's death, but their bond survived as did these photo's that Andy sent to me from the early 1970's of their high school band called MOONSHINE. One band photo is a tribute to an Allman's Brothers Band album centerfold where the band is photographed naked. The teen heroes gave the idea a whirl and came up with this classic image. Andy is the dark haired boy in glasses in the lower left corner of the group shot. They were not able to use the photo to promote their gigs at school because of the questionable "dark area" belonging to Cary "Rock" Miller, visable just above Andy's shoulder, so the second pose of them clothed had to do that job. Others in this naked photo are Eddie "Pi" Cohen, Bob "Boo" Bernstein (Andy's kid brother) and Mitchie Rubin, who was not band member, but apparently into the "get naked" idea! Andy also sent to me the high school head shot photo of Lance with the "hippy-drippy halo" effect. Andy, convinced that he would have to flee to Canada to avoid being shipped off to Vietnam, asked his friends for pictures of themselves to remember them by. Lance gave this photo to Andy (who did not end up in Canada). It is another example of my wishing Lance was here to ask him more about all these things. I knew so much about his life, but sometimes, when I see photos like these, I feel like I knew so little.

One of the activities that has been occupying me lately is planning the music benefits in Lance's memory. I am planning three shows and I feel it is important that they happen in this next year while Lance's passing is still fresh in the hearts and minds of those that loved him and his music. The three benefits will each be a little different. Two will be in small clubs and will raise money for the music charities that helped us, and the third will focus on raising significant money for the Amyloidosis Research Foundation. The first benefit will be in NYC in the spring and will involve Lance's jazz musician friends, the second will likely be in Asbury Park, NJ in the summertime and will feature the blues, soul and jam bands that Lance played with or admired. The last larger event will hopefully feature a national act sometime next fall at a larger venue. The first two events will really be held in Lance's memory, but the third event will have a broader appeal and one would not necessarily have to have known Lance to buy a ticket. As soon as I have confirmed dates and line-ups I will begin to promote the events. The first NYC benefit is shaping up nicely, and I hope to be able to announce specifics soon. Needless to say, all of the musician's I've connected with are anxious to help, so I think we will really have something special happening.

I made a new year's resolution to go out and pay to hear live music regularly. Indie musicians really depend on folks coming out and paying a measly few bucks to hear them play. I could probably swing a few freebie guest list spots from musician friends if I asked, but not this year. 2007 is the year of NO GUEST LISTS. This past week I went out to see our friend Nadine Goellner in NYC and also enjoyed another singer-songwriter who played named John Francis from Philadelphia. He sang a song called "Love in the Fall Out Shelter" which has a chorus that goes, "Don't let your eyes adjust to the dark." That is what I am trying to do everyday.

more soon,
~Lisa

visit Lance Carter's myspace page:
www.myspace.com/lancecarterdrumz