2:09 am

Last night I was having a hard time. I have the most difficultly coping late at night when the house is so quiet and the distractions fade away. I double check the locks on the doors and make sure the porch light is on - things that Lance always reminded me do. Especially when he was ill, I would make sure to tell him each night that everything was locked down and that we were safe. He wanted to hear that because he had surrendered that task to me once he became disabled, after seeing to it himself for many years. So each night I still tell him that everything is secure. I fell asleep somewhere around 1am, putting my TV on the sleep timer and closing my eyes. I think last night fell asleep to "American Chopper"!

At exactly 2:09 am the phone next to my bed rang. The ringing startled me from sleep and it took me a few moments to come to and realize that the phone really was ringing. I looked at the caller ID, but can't see anything without my glasses anymore, so I fumbled through my side drawer to find them. What I could tell through my blurry vision was that no number appeared on the caller ID, but I couldn't make out words. After 3 rings, the ringing stopped without the answering machine picking up the call. I finally found my glasses and read the caller ID. It read "private caller." I thought for a moment, maybe, please, could it be another sign from Lance? I don't want to sound too crazy, but grief has me thinking all kinds of things, and since I just survived the unthinkable, I am more open to the idea that the impossible sometimes happens.

I laid awake for another half hour, upset that I didn't answer the phone, and anxious that it may ring again. If it was an emergency, I thought, someone would surely call back. No second call came. Eventually I fell asleep and in the morning right before I awoke, I dreamt that my Uncle Eddie, my father's brother who passed away 2 years ago, was standing in front of me and tossed a glass of water in my face, as if to say, "Wake up!" Uncle Ed was a card and always quick with the jokes, so this behavior, while extreme and someting he'd never do to me when alive, isn't so unbelieveable. I have never dreamt of Uncle Ed before this morning, and still have not dreamt at all of Lance. I woke up feeling uneasy and disappointed so I reached for the phone and saw again that a call had come in at 2:09 am. I dialed *69 and sure enough the message said that the call came from a prvate caller and that the *69 feature did not work on the caller's number.

I half jokingly said out loud, "Call me back, sweetie. I'll answer this time." I headed to work and once there I called my sister-in-law Karen. Karen and Lance were very close, and her birthday is on December 24th. She told me last week that very early on the morning of her birthday, her phone rang. It startled her from her sleep and she too, did not answer the phone before it stopped ringing on its own without the answering machine picking up the call. She said her caller ID read "private caller." She immediately chalked it up as Lance reaching out to her on her birthday, the first she had without him. At the time I listened to her story, hoping in some way it could be possible, but at the same time telling myself that we believe the things we want to in this life, not necessarily because they are true, but because we hope they are true.

So when I spoke to Karen I said to her, "I think Lance called me last night. It was just like when your phone rang on your birthday. It rang at 2:09 am and the caller ID said it was a blocked call."
She said, "Lisa, that's exactly the same time my phone rang, 2:09!" I was floored.
"Really?" I asked.
"Yes!" she replied.
"No, really?" I asked again.
"Yes, yes really, Lisa! It was 2:09!"

We both started to cry instantly. The hospital listed Lance's time of death as 2:20 am, but he had passed away in his sleep sometime earlier. Lance's mom was with him, but she had fallen asleep in a chair next to his bed and was only awoken by the nurse coming in to take Lance's vitals. I never knew the exact time for sure. Perhaps he really left this life at 2:09 am, and this is his way of telling us?

I feel even more regret for not answering the phone. You can bet I will if it ever happens again. Just so you don't think I'm too crazy, I understand that if and when I do answer another 2:09 call, I know there will be silence on the other end, but still, it makes me feel hopeful that Lance is at peace and watching over me.

I did finally hear back from the bereavment group and met with the moderator earlier this week. We had a nice talk and she told me she hears many, many stories from group members of them finding little momentos (my anchor?) or experiencing occurances that are too unbelievable to be coincidence. She told me that in all the years she has worked with grieving families, she has come to believe that these are in fact signals from loved ones, telling us they are still present in our lives, although not in a physical state. If I wasn't sure before, I believe it now.

Sweet dreams,
~Lisa

8:45 pm UPDATE: Just talked to Lance's other sister, Beth. She said when her mother called from the hospital to tell her Lance had passed, she looked at the clock and it read......2:09 am. Beth's birthday is tomorrow, January 6, so she'll be waiting for her call!!

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